And it irks me that I find it hard to care. Or maybe I care so much that I can't even stand to attempt to look at it because it's so big it might tear me apart.

I don't even know where to start, I've lost my hard-drive twice from reformatting thanks to software failure and a ego-maniacal hacker with delusions of grandeur. Haven't felt much like writing, and now that I do, the only things in my head are very existential and hard to pin down.

So now I'm just trying to gather my thoughts and maybe gain enough perspective to co-ordinate my attack on myself.

I've been trying to be more sociable, meet new people, go out, all that good stuff. Great, been there, done that. Now I have more friends, friends that I can't seem to care about. I know that I do, on a deep level, but superficially? Apathy. I thought pushing myself into these incredibly social situations would help with my anxiety, it has, and it hasn't. Because I've come to the realization that I have to push myself constantly if I'm ever going to keep my social anxiety manageable. Also, the moment I get slightly depressed, the anxiety quickly makes up for lost time.

All I know is, right now, I just want to be completely alone. Maybe I'm just tired of the drama going on in my friends lives, the empathy I have to contend with carves me down into something fed to small children and drug addicts.

I just feel so lost. I've completed most of the goals I set for myself, and I don't care about the others. It's so weird that I feel so unhappy, especially when objectively I seem to have everything going for me, a great job that I enjoy, with people I enjoy being around, a great close-knit group of friends who are interested in things other than pussy, cheap beer and petty drama. Things like making the world a better place for our children to live in.

Yeah, I guess when I look at things like, I must be depressed, this familiar feeling of falling apart behind the mask of my life... I have insurance now, do I even dare trying to go the path of drugs and therapy again? A lot of good that's done so far. Partially my fault, mostly the fault of apathetic drug-pushing doctors.

Or is it back to poetry, music and exercise.

Or is this it.